The Story Thus Far

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2010

(I guess the facebook developers are twankers, they decided to get rid of the import feature on facebook so that I can no longer import my blog posts directly to my notes. I have to copy them over and post them as notes. So here it is.)

Oh, sorry about the length. I get a bit wordy sometimes.

The Story Thus Far

A few months ago I was hit in the face by reality, the reality that I pretty much could not find a job and I needed money, heck, my whole family needed/currently needs money. Because I couldn't find a “normal” job easily, I decided to look into joining the military. I was already skeptical of joining anything that required the signing away of my rights as a free citizen (despite the fact that I had often dreamed of joining the Marine Corps as a child and had played “Army” on numerous occasions. I suppose I should also mention the fact that I also often played “Indians” but that did not mean that my life’s aim was to move to the great plains and prance around a fire in front of a tepee.)

So in spite of my misgivings, I set out to discover what options were available to me as a member of the Armed Forces of America.

First I was wooed by a nice enough Staff Sergeant whose name prompted my brother and I to christen him “Phillycheesesteak” (He is still listed in my contacts under that name.)

Phillycheesesteak said it was “better to sign up for a job you may not want all that much and then in two years you can look at switching MOSs” (Military Occupation Specialties) He called it “Getting your foot in the door”

I called it “A way to sucker people into taking the jobs no one else wants”

I did not believe that switching over would be that easy. I went through the motions, talking to the recruiter, looking at the MOS descriptions and taking the ASVAB. (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) I did well on the test and good ‘ol Phillycheesesteak got quite excited talking about signing me up right away and all the opportunities that would be open to me because I had such a high score.

I guess he forgot that I was a girl.

I told him what I wanted and we looked at the jobs available. Unfortunately that job was not available right off so if I wanted to get it then I would have to go down to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) and bug the people there to give me the job and they would be all grudging and try to persuade me to accept some other job because no one else wanted it.

Thankfully at that time they decided that they couldn't accept my high school education because I was home schooled.

Thankfully??

Yes, thankfully.

If they had accepted my education then I would probably be somewhere off in the military hating life.

I will say however that the military is forbidden to discriminate against those who have been home schooled, there are documents to support this and I took it in to show PCS but he apparently could not understand the gist of the document. I also do not need the military to tell me my schooling is valid.

Considering that I scored thirty-five points above average on the ASVAB, I’d say that it is very possible that I am a smart person.

After that I floated on a cloud of annoyance and joblessness.

I did have another alternative, something that I had been avoiding for a long while: college.

Before I go into the subject of college let me say a few things about the whole “Jobless” situation.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the current unemployment rate is nine point six percent. That means almost one in every ten Americans does not have a job as of June 2010. I had people telling me things like, “If you want a job bad enough you will get one.” or “You just aren't doing enough.” I would like to respectfully contradict them by saying this; when the jobless rate is this high then the failure to get a job most likely lies with the society and NOT the individual.

Sure, there are some lazy ass people out there who are not currently doing anything at all, but, at this point the issue is plaguing our entire society.

I would also like to point out that when I was trying to get a job, I was actually, trying to get a job. Applying places, asking if people were hiring, etc. There was just not something open for me.

So yes, maybe you got a job right after you lost yours, but hey MAYBE, you just happen to be certified in an area that requires some sort of special skill because you have a college education.

Guess what?

I don’t.

So people like you get jobs while people like me are passed over because we aren't qualified or overly qualified for the job.

OK?

OK.

Now, moving on to my other option, that of college.

I abhor school.

I get test anxiety, on test day I come in to the room having studied and prepared myself for the test, I sit down, pull out my number two pencil and eraser and then, my mind magically goes blank. Poof! All that studying and preparing, gone.

Why?

I really have no idea. I just cannot for the life of me remember things, I do much worse than I could have done.

I get by, my high school GPA was three point two which, all things considered, is fine. (I guess not ALL of it abandons me in my hour of need.)

However, the whole test taking experience is less than pleasant for me. If I am learning about something, I would like to be doing it on my own and I would very much like to not be tested on it.

(Pretty please and danke schön)

I suppose the purpose of taking a test is to make sure that you are actually learning something but I never liked school during high school and I sure as hell did not want to go back.

I wanted to be a Bohemian.

Perhaps not in the purest sense of the word but, I love the arts, singing, acting, music, I’m there.

I certainly did not want to go to college.Then I learned about the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) program.

Basically I thought this, “I can’t get a job, I’m bored out of my mind at home, I need money and I have no other option. Fine, I’ll do it.”

I did the application, got approved and signed up for the classes which I am now taking.

I have discovered that choosing your own classes can make school a better experience than having the classes you must take mandated to you.

I am still not looking forward to tests etc.

So, on to my adventure on Tuesday.

I am sure many of you saw (or pretended not to see) my post harping on some student clubs at Palomar. I didn't mean anything by it, I just though it was funny.

That being said, I decided to attend the LGBTQA-lordwhyaretheresomanylettersnow club meeting.

(Yeah you can leave the last part off. I think the numerous letters are supposed to represent the rainbow, or something.)

Basically (if you haven’t guessed by now) it’s Palomar’s “GSA” type club.

If you know me well then you know that I typically shy away from anything having to do with the afore mentioned “clubs” or “groups” or what-have-you.

Either way, I got curious.

Hence the visit.

I have to say that from what I saw, they were a nice group of people, mostly boys but nice nonetheless. They’re suppose to be promoting “visibility” and “diversity” or something.

I’m not an activist.

I might research something for someone but I am not going to be lobbying for something. I definitely don’t think that I am any sort of “special case” who needs extra rights or some sort of special concession.

I’m just me.

I don’t want to be seen as anything but that.I am not a big deal, I’m no different from any other person on the planet, I have thoughts, I have feelings, I have needs, I laugh, I cry, I get angry, I feel lonely. . . no different.

So don’t treat me as such.

Saying that might put me on a completely different playing field.

I don’t really care, its how I feel. I suppose I’m just not “out there.”

Oddly enough I may go back and see what happens.

That’s the story thus far, Hannah has enrolled in school and is reading books, learning new things and is not currently bored.

Just though I might throw that out there.

Peace yo, I’m out.

Simple Things

I don't about the rest of you but I find that as you get older, everything gets more and more complicated.
The other day I was sitting around and thinking about things and the thought came into my head "I really miss when I could go down the street and buy an ice cream." I used just walk down the street enjoying it slowly, it was kind of like a game, predict where it the drips would most likely be coming from and take out that spot first.

Other days I'd sit in the backyard and pretend to be anything I wanted and it would be so real. . . but when I got older, playing pretend lost its charm and it made me sad because I knew I was turning into one of those "horrid adults who don't understand anything"

I don't know about the rest of you but, I miss the simple things, walks in the park, wading through the bushes that were taller than me because I was so short, reaching over the counter at a buffet restaurant struggling to make my short little arm reach the salad tongs, riding my bike down the street, pick-up games of street hockey, making "medicine" out of leaves and flowers. . . the list goes on.

I suppose we never really appreciate the things we're doing when we're little, we know they're fun but, we never think we'll stop doing them. In our little minds, its going to be this way forever.

Forever is awful short. . .

Some days I wish I could do some of those things again but it is a stage that we need to get past so I'm looking forward and I promise myself that one of these days I am going down to the drugs store to get a good old fashioned cone with ice cream. One of these days when its too rainy to go out I'm gonna have a picnic indoors with trees in the their pots all around in the middle of the living room floor. One of these days I'm gonna get some bubble mix and blow loads of bubbles out in public.

I'm going try and do some simple things maybe a little childish, and I'm going to enjoy the hell out of them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Remember when all the world's ills could be cured by a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

When you would rake up all the leaves in the yard just so you could jump in them?

(It didn't matter that you had to rake them up again after that because you could keep jumping in them and raking them until they her crushed into little bits that could be sucked up by the lawn mower.)

When you could go out in the back-yard and lose yourself in the mud, come in a night, take a bath and fall into bed and sleep.

When anything was possible, you could pretend to be anything. Make believe was so real. The things you wanted most were a scooter or a new outfit for your doll. . .

Now no amount of peanut butter and jelly can help a rotten day or make the world any better. No matter how much you drink, it doesn't fix anything, it doesn't make the world better.

It's true that some people are momentarily blinded by the warm fuzz provided by the alcohol's retardation, and so, they continue to repeat.

But the world is still a mess when they wake up from the stupor, their lives are still in shambles.

We realize that our dreams are far away and sometimes, unattainable. Sometimes, we must swallow the bitter pill of mediocrity because there is no other choice.

No one really sees you, they're blinded by their own haze, they tell you to go to school and get a proper job. "If you can make money doing it then go ahead." Stay down here with the rest of us "Its a job, take it."

But some of us weren't born to sink into the waist high sludge of semi-non existence. It kills us little by little, makes us go mad, we know this is not what we're meant for.

Weekdays of nine to five and evenings spent in an alcohol induced stupor.

We don't know how to rise, we try and are blocked at every turn, our failures climb into our heads and shout so loudly we want to run but running doesn't work because the noise is from our own minds.

Living life like the rest kills our souls but those around us do not see it or understand what its like.

They stay content "As long as I have money, a roof over my head, and get to do whatever the f*ck I want, life is good." Adults living with the mindset of a child.

The dreamers who want more are called crazy, looked down on, suppressed by the suffocating scorn of the masses. Dreaming hurts, dreaming kills, caring, holding up those around us...

It all climbs into our minds, tearing at the insides of our skulls, and here we sit.

What If

"If you had one hour to tell the world about something, what

would it be?"

This question was recently posed to some of us and it turned out to be a real sticker in my brain.

It wasn't in a bad way, in fact, I appreciated it very much.

Definitely gave me a load to think about.

The first thing that came to my mind, was that I would show people that the people we elect for public office aren't always who they say they are. In fact, in most cases, they are far from the front they present to the general public.

Seeing as how we just had the primary elections and we have upcoming elections in November, this is currently an important issue.

Then I started thinking more and found many other topics that have, at some point or another, been on my mind. And as I thought more about this, I realized that any information I have on any of these subjects is woefully inadequate.

Most of the people I see sitting out on the street or just talking pushing some sort of issue. . .I find a lot of things having to do with animals. While this is a worthy issue, I find myself thinking that perhaps we should focus more on the people than the animals.

Why?

If the people currently in charge of such things (or those backing up what is currently happening) were replaced by someone honest, upfront and supported by the people because they KNEW who they were putting in charge. . . I think things would be much different in all areas of, well, everything.

Part of improving to take care of yourself and the people AND animal/meat industry issues is making sure the right people are in charge to take care of things.

Unfortunately most of the general public is given over to apathy, saying "whatever" to life. Even I find myself doing that at times. It's definitely one of those things that are lees than beneficial.

But I started thinking, why are we so content to let our leaders run us into the ground while we turn our focus elsewhere?

There aren't enough people around who are pushing the really important issues. There's a million and one different groups for this and that but its all a lot of noise with little results. The ones that mostly seem to have results are the ones that are least favorable.

Why do the better issues not get enough support?

Too much talking, not enough listening.

Too many selfish, not enough giving.

Much too much and not enough.

A Little Piece of... Something.

So this one night, I was up, which is not uncommon.

However on this night, I was writing. (This is uncommon due to the fact that I am currently being plagued by the notorious bane of a writer's existence; writer's block.)

On this particular night the gods were merciful and this is what came out;

_______________________________________________________

Her shoulders were hunched, bent down towards the dense wooden desk. Faint clicking sounds came from the keys as her fingers beat out a furious cadence.

Only one more day to turn in this article, it had to be done.

They had sent her to find a story, oh she'd found one.

Her fingers paused, hovering over the keyboard for a moment as she questioned herself inwardly wondering if exposing something this huge was in her best interest.

She straightened for a moment to relieve the pressure that had build up in her back. She never could sit with the proper posture. No matter how many times she had tried, her body would just sink back into itself hunching forward over the desk.

The dimly lit room came alive again with the sounds of typing as she resumed the furious cadence.

The story came to life on the screen as her fingers flew, creating a masterpiece.

-----------

Down the hall a floorboard creaked, a foot froze cautiously in place.

The dark form listened for a moment fearing their presence had been made known, but the faint clicking noises flowed uninterrupted.

One foot raised again continuing down the hall in and unhurried fashion, the body leaned towards the wall not quite touching it, cold metal rested in the hands whose grip was strong and sure.

------------

At first, they had wired her two million dollars for the hit, "Make it quiet." they had said.

"For two mil, you get a hit," she had replied adjusting the dark glasses on her face, "double your price and you'll get quick, quiet and a stellar clean up."

For a moment the party had considered, the lined face looked as if its mouth would spit out words of denial, but instead it had growled "Take care of it."

Her thin lips turned up in a quick smile, gone before the old eyes across from her had noticed. She could charge this much if she wanted, she was the best and they would not go to anyone else.

She leaned back in her chair languidly "Aces."

-------------

She approached the door with caution, it was open, the typing continued, the hunched form was oblivious to the impending doom.

The typist's dark bangs fell into her eyes, she pushed them away with an impatient hand.

Outside the room the assassin froze, her keen ears had picked up the pause in the double hand cadence.

She slid her hand to her thigh carefully withdrawing a knife. She flipped it in her hand, the blade was not shiny, it was a dull grey, but razor sharp, sure to slice through a body as if it were air.

Once the typing resumed, the assassin entered closing in on her prey.

The typist straightened and smiled slightly, "I've been waiting for you."

_______________________________________________________________

I have no idea what this is or where its going but, I thought I might give ya'll something entertaining to read.

Cheers

What shall I put?

LOOK!! Its Slappy the Clown!!

Oh, wait, no, thats just an advertisement.

The music here is seriously the strangest mix ever.

I feel like any moment the circus is going to crash through the doors.

Or some random person will start break dancing.

The two different types of music struggle for dominance, it smells like cigarettes in here.

As I look around myself in utter paranoia I notice a man walking past... smoking.

Oh, that makes much more sense, wait, I'm INSIDE.

That's just wrong.

"NOW SERVING NUMBER 34."

I turn my head simultaneously trying to keep an eye on my surroundings and navigate through the maze of tables crowded into a tile space of ten square feet.

Where am I?

Valley View Casino.

Why?

It was right up the street from the poll that I volunteered at and I was on my "dinner break" (at four o'clock)

The Poll Inspector, (a seventy-nine year old woman who apparently has been working at the polls since '93 but somehow is still careless with the procedures) had said they had a new restaurant there that was "very good."

So I decided to check it out, besides, there was pretty much nowhere else to go in Valley Center.

Sidenote, Valley Center is about twenty minutes from where I live.

It is in the hills/mountains.

It is also a "small town" everyone knows everyone else and they all go to church regardless of whether or not they are really saved.

The place where a semi truck full of chickens overturned on the treacherously windy road that one has to travel in order to get to the town. (by the way, the driver died. The chickens survived, the road was closed all night as they moved the truck and chased chickens.)

The place where a pig was seen just trotting down the road.

They have a road named "The yellow brick road" (I kid you not.)

Their favorite pastime is to reminisce about the fires that swept through the area and talk about their elderly neighbors who passed away but "Weren't they just so sweet?"

But I digress, the point is this, I pretty much had nowhere else to go.

So, I drive to Valley View Casino not one minute away from the polls.

It's less than impressive, big parking structure, one building.

So crowded, like they took five different ideas and shoved them into one building.

Like a zoo.

So I walk in, so many people, my head whips around as I try and assess my surroundings and spot the food spot.

Mission; get the food, get out.

After what seemed like much too long (but was probably only about five minutes) I figured out where it was and made my way over carefully avoiding the tables filled with ... people.

I ordered a meatball sandwich. They had Asian food there and I would have loved to get me some Asian deliciousness but I really didn't want to take the time to read the menu, I just wanted to go.

I also failed to think about the fact that the meatballs were probably beef, something which my stomach despises.

And so I sit, and wait, my eyes randomly wander as the thought occurs to me, this is a wonderful place to observe people.

My eye falls on a man, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. He looks sulky, "Damnit" he mutters.

I guess he lost.

Then I start to think, "I wonder how many of these people are victims of the economy's fall... trying to "win big" to end their troubles. I wonder how many of them keep losing but don't stop as they just HAVE to keep going because any moment they'll finally clear the hurdle of multiple losses. I wonder how many of these people are frittering away their retirement monies as they search for some form of excitement in their lives. How many of them have nothing better to do because their kids are off separated from them not giving a rip about dear old mum and dad."

The thought is depressing, I just want to go.

But my food arrives and I eat it there as I failed to request it "to go."

Brilliant.

The sandwich is okay, tainted with the utter insanity of that place...

It could use some more sauce.

I think its beef.

Oops.

Oh well. I eat my food and leave.

Back at the polling place I smile and wish people a "good day." I'm improving at being a nice face to come in to; they smile back at me.

That's something isn't it?

But I am never working at the polls again.

Nothing would induce me to that kind of "volunteer-ism" again.

Not the point...

Also, we don't want to drive home at night on Valley Center again. We almost drove into the side of the hill cuz it was so dark.

I know, I know, turn on the brights. Which I did. But, I had just turned it off, because I was being polite to the driver on the other side. When I turned them back on... YIKES.

Anyways.... just something thats jamming itself in my head.

Slot Machines

Empty people

Empty lives

Come to watch

The screens fly by

Push of a button

It falls into place

Bow their heads

They've lost the race

Shake it off

Feed the metal more

Start it again

Lose more and more

Waste of time

As they try and find

The way out

Of their financial bind

Empty pockets

Empty eyes

The smiling poster

Tells only lies

-Finis-

Summer?

A new blog bit was warranted for this subject because it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous post.

I recently came across a "flair" (a mini button for to pin upon things) that featured three children jumping into a body of water against the sunset, the word "summer" was at the top.

It was a beautiful picture and in my opinion a perfect representation of "summer" in my mind.

But what is "summer"?

I've seen many invitations to the "first" BBQ, bonfire etc. of summer.

One problem here people; summer starts June twenty-first.

Yes, I believe, that things cannot possibly be any "first" of the virgin summer of 2010, until it actually IS summer.

Is that so bad?

Now before you come to the wrong conclusion and stop reading, this is not a post to bash upon the thrill-seekers of summer.

I am merely stating my opinion of what really constitutes a "first" of summer.

Now on to the next item; what is summer?

Quick answer?

A season that falls after spring and before autumn.

But to each of us it means something different, fun, hot, mosquitoes, sticky, a break from school. . . ya'll get the picture.

It means nothing to me.

I have an idea of what it SHOULD mean but I've never "had a summer" so to me it just happens to be just another weather change.

And now I have forgotten what the point of this particular blog is.

I've been quite distracted of late due to certain situations and tiredness.

I apologize and here I shall end.

Little of This, Little of That

Some days I'm not quite sure what I want to say.

One thing however, is sure, my grammar is on the horrid side of horrid and not so horrid.

I've been discovering that some things are not as they seem deep within. I have also learned that controlling things does not make them disappear.

I have also begun to dance in public, something I never thought I would do.

Today I went to use the ATM machine outside of a bank alongside Valley Parkway in Escondido.

The thing was a drive-up ATM but since I had the card and my dad was driving I opted to get out and use it just standing there.

Or so I thought,

you know the little delays in electronic items? Well, in between those I started dancing. . . not very well. I really can't dance.

It was more of a fun boppy sort of dance to amuse myself while I waited.

Then I heard laughing in the car, I turned to look and there was my dad and two sisters laughing at me.

Embarrassing.

Yet I can't seem to help myself.

It's great fun while I do it, then turns into mortification which only lasts about a moment. Then I continue on my way dancing.

I puzzle over this change, does this mean I have gotten more foolish?

Does this mean I have improved?

I cannot tell you what it means.

But it happens.

Something else I brought up earlier, controlling something does not make it disappear.

Is this a good thing?

I know not.

One thing I do know; here it is and now I must think about it. . .

Still controlling it though, the dam hasn't broken yet.

I suppose that's a good thing.

I know not.

The hard part is trying to explain it, even I don't fully understand it.

What do you say to those things that are very present yet not yet fully understood?

I know not.

~I~

Lately I've been thinking about a lot of things.
I've been trying to describe everything inside.
Sometimes words fail to describe things, or solve problems.
But I tried and this is what came out. . .
Barely scratches the surface of it all.



~I~

I am

Only a passing

Vapor

Never lasting

I am

Only a weak

Human

That none will seek

I am

A little bit of

Failure

Trying to be strong for the ones I love

I am

A side dish with

Rhythm

Moving to the notes of life's myth

I am

A reservoir of full

Sorrow

With eyes made dull

I am

Sometimes overflowing

Joy

When flower laden winds are blowing

I am

Sometimes incarnate

Pain

When all my desires make me desperate

I am

On certain days

Frayed

Raw ended nerve opened by life's devious ways

I am

Here ever steady

Constant

Rock unmoving for those who need me, ready

I am

At times on the ground

Weakness

Fallen, wicked, bound

I am

Always unto all

True

Refusing covers even when backed against a wall

I am

For you

Here

Ignoring all who leer

I am

A never ending

Struggle

Fighting always against the crowd's sin of blending

I am

Ever only

Me

I am all this and more wrapped in flesh so lowly

-finis-

So lately. . .

Warning; This is written out of the extreme depths of the cynicism in my heart.

I have been considering for the past few days, whether or not it would be a good idea to shut up my heart and forget about trying to find any sort of attachment.
As per usual, there are many merits to this as well as many not so wonderful things.
Loneliness for one, is not a good thing.

With my history of failed wanting but never having, or, settling and being quite unsatisfied, I begin to wonder whether or not "love" is worth it.

I have been going back and forth about this for the past few months but more so this past week. (Pretty much a daily debate on this subject)
People always say "Oh don't worry, you'll find someone."
While I do not doubt the above statement, I begin to doubt the availability of said "someone" whenever I happen to "find" them.

Often I find things may begin to go in my favor but, they do not carry through unto the end.
It's almost like giving a small child ice cream, letting them have two spoonfuls, and then, taking it away and eating it yourself, enjoying it in full view of the child.
you may say, "Well at least the child got two spoonfuls."
I would much rather not have anything than be given a taste and left wanting for more, knowing full well that it is impossible.

So, I arrived at the conclusion that it is better to avoid forming any attachments of the romantic sort.
Right?
No, wrong.
To close your heart off from others is not good.
We need to love and be loved in return.
But wait, there's the rub, "To be loved in return."
One (meaning me) does not always find that.
Sure I have family and friends to love me and for that I am extremely grateful; but, there are days when I wish for something closer. Unfortunately all of the "no go"s have put such doubt in my already cynical heart that I now wonder if I should just forget about it all.

Trust me, I can argue both sides to this very well; I don't need a lecture.
I've been arguing back and forth with myself.
I'm just not feeling it anymore. . .
Maybe I should just get over it.
Yet I know that the feelings I have will make me wait around with foolish hope until they are utterly dashed.

I suppose this places me firmly in "Camp Moron."
Skippy.

Because I. . .

Silence;
In silence I shall remain.
I will find my way
back to life again

I shall not;
I shall not say that I want you
I shall try speak to you as a friend
But some days I will fail to do

You're not;
You're not mine.
You're not even really
Giving me a sign

I will;
I will maintain friendship
I will stay until this becomes
Too much of a hardship
-finis-

I hope it doesn't. Some days I want to draw inspiration from Meredith Grey's "Pick me" speech but that didn't go over too well now did it?
Whats gonna happen is gonna happen.
Maybe someone would suggest I move on but its kind of hard to.
Anyways. Button down and buckle up; here begins the chapter where I pretend.
. . .Even now I am editing. . .

On To The Future! (Whoa, Hang On A Second.)

Last week I took a trip to Poway to meet up with a friend of mine.
We had decided that she would be picking me up from CVS and so at the accorded time, I was there, sitting on the base of one of the pillars in front of the store waiting to be picked up.

It was a nice day, the sun was out, there was a nice breeze so I wouldn't get too hot sitting under the sun.

But I digress, the point of this blog is about the two things I observed.

The first thing I noticed is that apparently many elderly people quite love to shop there. However after further consideration I remembered that CVS contains a pharmacy.
Meaning, old folks go there to get their medicine.

So, I am sitting there occasionally answering IMs on my phone idly watching old people walk slowly to and from the store when my eye fell upon an elderly gentleman getting into the driver's side of a vehicle. I thought nothing of it; what is there to think besides "Look at that man getting into the car. He must be about to drive away."

Anyways, I'm sitting watching as the car begins to back out very slowly in that way that elderly folks have, roll back a bit, pause, crane neck, roll back a bit more, pause...etc.
All of a sudden another vehicle comes through the parking lot much too fast.
Thankfully she noticed the car pulling out and stopped before she hit him. The driver, a woman in her forties or so, looked frustrated and said "Are you gonna pull out or what." in the kind of tone that said "You're in my way."

The man pulled out and they both went on their way.

That is an overview of what I saw. Now I am going to delve deeper into the situation.

The first thing I bring to you is the woman driving the car.

She was in a hurry (obviously) but the thing I noticed right before she almost hit the elderly man's car was this; she was looking at where she wanted to be, not at where she was going. Therefore she failed to see what was in the path before her.
She was looking to the future; not at the present. Her eyes were literally looking at what was around the corner and not what was right in front of her eyes.

In life, looking at where we want to be or what we wish for the future is not a bad thing to do. However when looking to the future blinds us to the present then it becomes something that is detrimental to our lives.
It causes us to pass over the things that are before us, we miss things that need to be noticed. If we look too much to the future it may cause the things of our present to begin to fall apart. Then we look at the shambles of our lives and wonder what happened.

The second thing I bring to you is after she noticed the car and braked to avoid the collision.

She said (and I quote once more)"Are you gonna pull out or what."
First of all, we need to respect the elderly, I am sure you all know this. They can't move as fast as we do, their motor skills are not what they were. So they need a little extra consideration from the rest of us. She had to wait all of fifteen seconds before she could continue on her way. Folks, fifteen seconds is not too much time out of your day.

Second of all; focusing only on the future causes us to be inconsiderate. As I said before; we miss what is right in front of us. Things we should notice, people who need our attention...the list goes on.
Some of us spend so much time tearing into our futures that we destroy any chance we have of achieving that future because we are so oblivious to our present.

I suppose I'd like to leave you with this:
Stop and take the time to focus on the present; you'll be the better for it.



DISCLAIMER:
I am not saying that looking into the future is bad, only that some of us do it too often and it becomes a problem. It obscures what is with what will be or what we wish will be.
There is always a place for looking into the future so dream on folks.
But take the time to see what is in front of you as well.

2 For The Day

I realize these are rough so bear with me.

We Are

Empty glass bottle
Blows in the street
Empty hands
Beg to eat

We are deaf ears
Passing be on the road
Eyes blind
Hearts as stone

We are uncaring, unfeeling
Humanity cries out
For all human beings
Are selfish without a doubt

Stop for a moment
Clear out your ears
Listen! For around you
Are cries you must hear

We are
deaf and needy
poor and blind
We are humans who are so greedy
-finis-

My Request

I have slipped
Back down the slope
I am brought low
I have failed again
Nowhere to turn
Nowhere to go
My hold on this height
Has crumbled I have fallen
To this plight
Sorrow for my mistake
Burns inside
Broken I fall to my knees
Absolve me of my crime
Make me what I should be
Oh the height from which
I have fallen
Once more I stand
Once more cast my lot; all in
Absolve me
Of everything
Absolve me
Of this sinful way I lean
Absolve me
And I shall be clean
-finis-

In My Mind

So I've always wanted to write poetry.
Yesterday I finally finished reading a book of poems and started on another.
Today the poems came out of my head.
And so I give you; five poems for today.
_______________________________

NIGHT

Night comes
as a friend
Her arms
In loving embrace
Over me
Spread.

Stillness covers
My soul
In a cocoon
I never wish
To end
-----------

DAY

Day is unbearable
Her voice
It is loud
Voices scream
From inside
Of the crowd
Give me
A moment
In which
There is peace
And I
Shall rescind
My previous
Piece.
------------
"Untitled"

I have
Of late
Felt nothing
At all
But slowly
My heart
Has heeded
Your call
This is
Perhaps
Not good
At all
I must
Pull myself
Away from
Your call
----------

Obscurity

Cry in the night
"I wish to be free"
But not one
Will see you
As you wish to be.

Write on your wrist
Carve it in blood
"This is the truth
I am no dud"

The world it is blind
To all things inside
And many a day
You'll wish you had died.
------------


And lastly the edited version of the poem in the post before this.

Words have fled
You're in my head
I cannot chase you
Away

You've killed my thought
And my head is fraught
With unwanted thoughts
Of you

I'd like to erase
The thoughts of your face
But somehow I cannot.

And so I sit
My mind in mist
My heart says
Forget me not.
______________________________
Finis.

Problem or No?

Yes I must have problems.
I am a loyal friend, loyal to a fault.
I want to see everyone I care about happy, sometimes to my own detriment.
If I can help them be happy; I will.
If I have to go out of my way to do it; I will if I can.
If making them happy means that I might be unhappy I will try anyways.
How messed up is that?
is that messed up?

I can't even say this right today.
----------------

Words have fled
You're in my mind
I cannot chase you away.

You've killed my thoughts
And my head is fraught
With unwanted thoughts of you

I'd like to erase
The thoughts of your face
But somehow I cannot.

And so I sit
with my mind in mist
My heart says
Forget me not
--------------
(^^^^ thats my sad attempt at a poem.)

Questions

This is about a question;

that question is "why"

This is the question that I tend to ask too often.

I recently reconnected with a friend whom I hadn't spoken to for a month or so, we've been chatting over MSN and such.

One day she said something (and I don't quite remember what exactly she said) and I immediately followed her statement with a question; "why?"

She responded "Must you question everything?"

I responded flippantly "Yes."

But then I began to think about what she had said and in viewing our conversation I realized that I did indeed question almost everything.

This unsettled me.

As it turns out, some have no problem questioning everything but I realized that when one questions everything, that means there is a problem.

There is a time and a place for questioning.

There are also certain things which must be questioned in order to prove their worth or plausibility etc.

However, to question everything implies an implicit lack of faith in every single thing.

This is not good.

There are things in the universe that have been set in place for a reason, the hierarchy of authority for example.

We were given parents for a reason, they have indeed lived longer than we have.

Might it be possible that they would know a little more than we ourselves? Perhaps they ought to be listened to just a little bit more than we youngsters tend to.

But our flawed souls rage against the order of things, we push against what has been set in place in an effort to what? Somehow make things better than they are?

From this I conclude that I myself and probably others, have a lack of faith in the things around them.

Why?

Past experiences? Something gone terribly wrong? Or perhaps somehow we fancy that we know better than those around us.

Examining myself I find that my past experiences have pushed me to this point.

Perhaps I let things matter much more than they should have.

I will never know.

But I conclude that some effort must be made in order to restore my faith in things.

Perhaps I could simply cut down upon my questioning. Or I could stop myself after I ask why and try to realize why I have asked this question.

I suppose it will be an experiment of sorts.

That is all.

101

I haven't had much time to sit down and reflect on the things that have happened these past six months.
Reflection, is, in a way, a time for me to catch my breath, rehash and then release. (mostly)
But for some reason I find myself not really wanting to talk about things. I made some mistakes, and I learned some things. I had a few successes and started two more stories.
I think I get a wee bit crazy with the writing thing, it's almost insane how things just come to me and spill out.

Today is a grey day, it hasn't started raining yet but I have no doubt that it will.
I feel my brain shutting down, my word power is down, I feel as if I can't say all the things that need to be said.

Maybe in this case, silence is the best option.
There are always days where it is better to be silent. The trick is this, know which days they are.
I can't always tell.

I feel like my brain is about to explode, mostly because I have so much in it to write down but I can't.
There is always someone on the computer, and when I get on, there is too much noise, or someone yelling at me in the background because, god forbid, I'm actually on here doing something.
"Use paper." you might say.
There's only so much you can do with paper, the ideas come out too fast, and then I have to transfer it to the computer and I definitely do not get enough time on here to do that.
Yes, this is a rant not a "cool, composed, collected note"

Some days the chaos just gets to be too much.