So lately. . .

Warning; This is written out of the extreme depths of the cynicism in my heart.

I have been considering for the past few days, whether or not it would be a good idea to shut up my heart and forget about trying to find any sort of attachment.
As per usual, there are many merits to this as well as many not so wonderful things.
Loneliness for one, is not a good thing.

With my history of failed wanting but never having, or, settling and being quite unsatisfied, I begin to wonder whether or not "love" is worth it.

I have been going back and forth about this for the past few months but more so this past week. (Pretty much a daily debate on this subject)
People always say "Oh don't worry, you'll find someone."
While I do not doubt the above statement, I begin to doubt the availability of said "someone" whenever I happen to "find" them.

Often I find things may begin to go in my favor but, they do not carry through unto the end.
It's almost like giving a small child ice cream, letting them have two spoonfuls, and then, taking it away and eating it yourself, enjoying it in full view of the child.
you may say, "Well at least the child got two spoonfuls."
I would much rather not have anything than be given a taste and left wanting for more, knowing full well that it is impossible.

So, I arrived at the conclusion that it is better to avoid forming any attachments of the romantic sort.
Right?
No, wrong.
To close your heart off from others is not good.
We need to love and be loved in return.
But wait, there's the rub, "To be loved in return."
One (meaning me) does not always find that.
Sure I have family and friends to love me and for that I am extremely grateful; but, there are days when I wish for something closer. Unfortunately all of the "no go"s have put such doubt in my already cynical heart that I now wonder if I should just forget about it all.

Trust me, I can argue both sides to this very well; I don't need a lecture.
I've been arguing back and forth with myself.
I'm just not feeling it anymore. . .
Maybe I should just get over it.
Yet I know that the feelings I have will make me wait around with foolish hope until they are utterly dashed.

I suppose this places me firmly in "Camp Moron."
Skippy.

Because I. . .

Silence;
In silence I shall remain.
I will find my way
back to life again

I shall not;
I shall not say that I want you
I shall try speak to you as a friend
But some days I will fail to do

You're not;
You're not mine.
You're not even really
Giving me a sign

I will;
I will maintain friendship
I will stay until this becomes
Too much of a hardship
-finis-

I hope it doesn't. Some days I want to draw inspiration from Meredith Grey's "Pick me" speech but that didn't go over too well now did it?
Whats gonna happen is gonna happen.
Maybe someone would suggest I move on but its kind of hard to.
Anyways. Button down and buckle up; here begins the chapter where I pretend.
. . .Even now I am editing. . .