This is why I

I think the problem

Is that

I burned too bright

Perhaps it was

Too much

And a bit too soon

Maybe because I

Trusted you

And that in itself is rare

They say that it’s okay to

Open up

And flame the fuck out

At least you have been

Honest and

not hidden your love

But I think and now

I know

Those words aren’t true

I feel so much all at
Once and

It scares most people

You might have already
Sort of
Known that about me

But I guess now is

The time

You truly know it

I wish you could have

Accepted that

I am truly outrageous

It might be too late

Now but

Here is the explanation

© Hannah Laine 2017

Elections, effects, and not so great feelings

I need to say some things,

I want to preface this by saying that these are just my thoughts and feelings and I will not be starting a dialogue with anyone about who, what, where, or when is better…
Normally I stay out of political things, I might tweet or post a status about such things every so often but that’s about it. I used to love to get involved in spirited discussions about politics in high school but that is not what I do anymore, no one stays sane when discussing opposite political viewpoints and chances are that neither of us will end up changing the other’s mind when all is said and done.

The reason I’m posting this is because I had a weird experience the other day and it was enough to bother me because things like that never happen to me. P.S. excuse my grammar.

Okay. Recent events have been somewhat of a shocker, no one foresaw the outcome of the election and the way it ended up worries me.

Now I am not saying I loved the Clinton option either but I don’t think that what happened the other day would have happened had she won.

Everyone on social media has been going ballistic, from “Yay, bye bye anyone that is not a white straight male.” To “I’m moving to Canada.”

There is also much hate, from both sides, this is disturbing because those who opposed Trump opposed him on the basis of choosing love and tolerance etc. The ability to be yourself no matter what religion, race, or sexual orientation but after Trump won, many of these people (the ones opposing) have been posting an overwhelming amount of “f*ck yous” and other such charming things to the side that elected Trump. They are saying hate won, and it did, on both sides. One side already supported hate: the separating and oppression of peoples different than themselves. The other side moved to that side when the election had been won, and in so doing, lowered themselves to the level the other side had already sunk to. That makes me so horribly sad, neither side can claim to be better than the other, there is now, no basis for claiming one side supports love and the other doesn’t; both sides have now become as bad as each other.

Remember, all of these things are based on what I have been seeing on social media.

There are those of you who say that you don’t support Trump’s apparent xenophobia and dislike for the lgbtq people, and maybe he was only saying all those things for shock value, maybe he’ll be able to fix the economy. I understand where you are coming from, maybe he can fix the economy, I can’t predict the future; that is not the point.
The point is that there are many of you who have friends of all different colors, religions, and sexual orientations and yet you voted a man who doesn’t care about these people, your friends, at all. Are you concerned about them? Have you promised to stand with them if our new president decides to make rules that are discriminatory towards them?
You did?
Why the heck did you cast a Trump vote then?
Our system will keep him in check?
You know what would have kept him in check?
Not winning the election.
See what I did there?

I’m calm, I promise.

If you are a Christian and voted for Trump because some of his supposed values align with yours then I will remind you of this:

Execute true justice; show mercy and compassion everyone to his brother. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor." Zechariah 7:15

If Trump manages to make new laws that oppress certain people groups you must stand for them.

Ok, here’s what happened to me.
The other day I took my little sister to get her hair cut and decided to stay out in my car to wait for her.
Who needs to go inside and watch hair falling to the floor, right?
I’m sitting in my car, on my phone, wasting time as such things do and I started to notice that I wasn’t feeling normal. Sometimes I have random things that bother me and then they fade in a few minutes.
So I waited for a few minutes but it wasn’t going away and I could not figure out what was wrong because the feeling was foreign to me.
I was restless, apprehensive, kind of jumpy, and I was suddenly checking and rechecking my car mirrors so I could see to the sides and behind my car, there was this unreasonable feeling that something was going to happen, like I was watching for signs of danger.
I didn’t feel safe, some random guy was passing by and I was watching him like a hawk thinking, “Can he tell I’m a gay woman?” Maybe my short hair gave it away?
And then “What the hell?”
I started feeling sick after I realized what was going on, I ended up going in and watching my sister's hair fall onto the floor.

I am not afraid of things normally, I don’t have many fears and those of you that know me beyond casual passing are aware of that. I believe that if I am meant to die a certain way then it’ll happen no matter what I do to avoid it. If I’m meant to die in a plane crash and I avoid flying, a plane could just fall on my house while I’m minding my own business; it would be a plane crash- I don’t have to be on the plane. Why fear things like that?
I’m also a Christian which is the other reason I’m not afraid to die, if I die I go to heaven, what’s better than that.

“You can’t be gay and be a Christian.”

Settle down, I disagree with you, respectfully, when we get to heaven, we’ll see. I also have other experiences which add to my reasoning but that is most definitely not the point.

I was anxious, having a strange amount of anxiousness, that refused to leave.
This was disturbing.
Even more disturbing; I do not believe that will be the last time it happens to me.

For many of the people I know, this is a daily reality.

The cause for this, is our new political situation; I know Trump is not the president yet but he will be.
When the main posts on social media after an election are suicide hotlines, there is a problem and we must not ignore this.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried, I am. I don’t know if everything Trump said was just posturing, even if it was, the mere fact that he did such a thing is worrying.

You should care that he is now president-elect, you should care that his election is already having an effect on the way your friends and perhaps even family feel and it is serious.

I am a strong person, if you know me then you know that is true, but the way I felt yesterday is concerning.

To those of you who did not support Trump and now sit in anger, I beg you to remember why you stood for Hillary.

I ask that you not spew the same hateful speech that is directed towards you, we must be better, if we are not better than how can we be an example of love in the face of this division?

I am not saying sit in silence, far from it; when you speak be aware of your words; standing for us does not require hate for those who stand against us.

You want to stand for love? Then do so and carry it in your speech.

All that being said, I am heartbroken for our nation, for everyone. My soul is truly burdened by everything that is transpiring.

I love you all.

Be safe.

If you want to share this post, you are more than welcome to.

Unutterable Moments

Moments, they all pass us by.

Often we seek to preserve times in our lives by photographs.

Often I hear people complaining that their photographs fall short of the moments they try to capture through the click of a button.

I run across photographs on tumblr and instagram/various social media sites that are wonderful.
Sunsets, foggy forests, ocean waves, and various stages of homes (to name a few) these things are captured beautifully in their moments of perfect existence.

We who see them are the lucky ones. Blessed with the sight to perceive these moments in their perfection but we know that we are often unable to capture them and freeze them for posterity.

It is often frustrating that I cannot capture the sky immediately after it rains.
Or the sky after rain filled with intermediate clouds which are backed by a dust of snow on the hills in the background.

These moments I must breathe deep of and know that they are in this moment, mine, no other will see them, they will not smell the breeze tinged with flowers or feel the dried out cold pass through their lungs when they step into the wind blowing.

I must keep these moments for myself. They are unutterable; precious.

Today I worked from 8 in the morning til 12:30 noon.
My drive home was blessed with the scent of orange blossoms and cold air.
Usually I pass over these things but I thought "how many people get to experience this? These small moments? How many times do people pass over these little things?"
It's sad.
There are so many things in nature which call and demand our attention but we in our busy lives pass over them.

Small moments we are too busy to see fly right by us without the acknowledgement or the awe that they deserve and that in itself grieves me. If only humans were unafraid to be brought to tears by a view or a story or simply by the knowledge that there are so many things that we will never experience...

These expressions are precious.

The honest expression of emotion, unafraid to be seen as weak whilst acknowledging the moments that make us see and appreciate love and relationships
.
The other day I was burdened by the babysitting of my niece and nephew.
these two are wild, ADD, unable to be still or listen to the commands given them.
Usually this makes me hide in my room but the other day I was the only one capable of babysitting them.
So I did.
They were as expected, hard to control.
The most precious moment came to me when I was reading a story.
My niece listened for a small while and then lost interest while my ten year old sister listened to the very end.
The story of love unappreciated, separation, and the journey to learning to love and appreciate love was fascinating to her.
I grew weary of reading, my mouth and throat grew tired but her desire to hear the rest of the story drove me on and in the end it was amazing.
This day was a gift.

A small child's honest sorrow and delight over a story is one of the most refreshing things to experience.

I watched her go from somber to joyfully excited over the ending as she realized where it was heading.

I watched her cry with me in honest sorrow over the summary which spoke of the journey a china rabbit was sent on because of his inability to appreciate love.

I watched her face change to joy as the lesson was learned and rewarded and it was worth every moment of time invested.

Every moment.

I thought, how unfortunate that we cannot feel these things in our adult life or, are often afraid to experience them for fear we will be thought of as weak and how refreshing it is to be able to experience the childrens stories through a child's eyes.

This was a gift which I had forgotten, something that I yesterday, was able to be reminded of.
I hope that we realize the lessons which can be taught through a story and i hope we are unafraid to feel them as deeply as children do.

Procrastination Makes Awkward

I have an art book which describes how to draw the human body.

Once upon a time in a fit of inspiration I went online and purchased said book.

I like to draw, I even at times, draw quite well but this drawing well only occurs every once in awhile and most often when I am slightly inebriated.

Go figure.

Anyway, I decided that perhaps I could study how to properly draw the human body and perhaps I might get better at drawing human-like shapes that do not appear to be off kilter.
So I bought the book.

I bought the book three months ago and promptly added it to the pile of books on my shelf.

I pulled it out exactly once and flipped through thinking "Gee I wish I had time to delve into this fascinating book right now but I do not. I should do this soon."

"Soon" turned into... well; never.

I was always working, unable to concentrate, tired, or some other thing which inevitably led to me putting off the studying of this wonderful book.

The other night while I was attempting to fall asleep I thought "I will be very early to work tomorrow. I will be sitting in Starbucks with nothing to do. I SHOULD BRING THE BOOK!"
Excellent idea; one should not sit idle while one could be learning how to draw the human body properly.

Then I remembered that the book contains vast amount of nakedness; "nudes" which might make reading it in public a little, well, strange.

Drawing the human body, makes sense; why would there not be nudes in this book?
But I was not to be deterred and so I shoved the book into my backpack and went to sleep.

This is how I ended up in Starbucks yesterday morning flipping through a drawing book full of naked people.

Why didn't I wait until after work to get out the book and study in the privacy of my room?

Because I am a procrastinator.
Why would I study a book when I can come home and watch Star Wars?

Here's the funny part; people bring books into coffee shops all the time: they sit and read in peace and no one pays any attention to them.

Why should I not do the same?
I entered, got my drink and sat down filled with ideas of all the progress I was going to make, the secrets on the proportions of the body I would discover that always (up to this point I was sure) seemed to evade me.

Unfortunately once I opened and started reading I was sure that anyone who entered would look around and ignore all the people but me because I probably had a neon sign hanging over my head saying something akin to "This girl is looking at NAKED PEOPLE IN PUBLIC." The horrified person would then rip the book from my hands and hold it above their head whilst screaming "j'accuse!" whereupon I would be immediately kicked out Starbucks and my book would be burned.

After these thoughts entered my head I then attempted to justify what I was doing "I'm an artist, how will I learn to draw people properly unless I understand this whole "drawing the human anatomy" thing?"

Then I proceeded to tell myself how ridiculous I was behaving for going through this process.

--Side-note; I did manage to be discreet (I didn't wave the book in front of the faces of the children) but if anyone plopped down next to me they would have been able to see what I was seeing.--

Eventually I managed to feel less awkward and study in peace.

Or moderate peace anyway.

I realize that perhaps looking at this book out in public is not quite what one would consider socially acceptable but dammit, I'm going to learn how to draw people properly and if it makes me have to read the book in public then that's what I'm gonna do.

It is however, unfortunate that I had to revert to such measures in order to read the book that I have had sitting in my room long enough to have read it and practiced drawing many times.

I curse the devil that is procrastination and confess that yes, I too am a lazy person. It's amazing I'm even managing to blog about this.

Just think, if I had managed to pull out the book in the confines of my own room, I would have never suffered images of being thrown out of Starbucks.

Now I look around me and notice all the things that are begging for my attention; and I am filled with resolve: I must do "all the things!"

What things are begging for your attention?

......and back again.

There, and back again.

This blog has long been dormant: I blame the ever changing thread that is my life; don't we all?

Is it because I have given up on writing?
absolutely not.

I still struggle to form the words that will give voice to the thoughts inside.

In my absence from this blog I have written significant portions of what I hope will become my first published work (I have yet to go through the process of seeking a publisher. Tips are welcome!)

But in my absence I have also been plagued by self doubt, by anger, by self loathing, by believing that every word I type or pen and save is futile or useless or cliche or utterly laughable.... and most recently I have been plagued by loss.

I have been plagued by loss of great proportions; I do not wish to recount these individually but suffice it to say that they have been of a permanent nature and have numbered more than three all within the last three years.

I do not deal well with loss, I find it convenient to fold into myself and close away.

In the wake of these and my life in general, I have deemed a blog name change appropriate.
And so I present to you; "There, And Back Again."

Held out in the shreds of what were my hands... my head... and heart, and hopes, and dreams.
Formed by loss, fire, pain, blood, the tearing apart and rebuilding of myself... times one hundred.

I suppose many of you when presented with this name will think "HOBBITSES!!!"
No.
Sorry.

This has nothing to do with Hobbits.
I suppose it does represent a journey; what I know as my continual journey or struggle:
to be utterly broken and rebuilt and broken and then rebuilt... and broken again and rebuilt once more.

I think that one of the main struggles for me has been to simply be.

To be without worrying whether I was "well on my way" to the "american dream."
I struggle with working in retail while knowing that it is much better to plan my course and wait instead of going to school, getting a degree, and getting married  right away solely because it is what society expects of me.
I know that in the long run waiting to get a degree will suit me better than forcing it right now in the throes of indecision.
As will waiting to get married or start any form of serious dating.

But I digress.

The purpose of this blog is to explain its new title and present a hopeful "I shall write."

I have often felt that I have no right to feel horrible and despondent because at the end off the day there is always someone worse off than myself.

I do not belittle the struggles of the less fortunate.

I have seen huts of plant matter in Romania. I have seen children with no shoes. I have seen hunger, beggars, and babies who are orphans stiff from lack of love. I have experienced want and fear; fear that perhaps at the month's end I would no longer have a home.

Somehow through the grace of God I have not experienced the actual loss of a home or any sort of prolonged hunger.
For this I feel so very fortunate and so very thankful.

Yet this does not mask the pain I often carry inside.

There, and back again:
There to pain, there to the wish that I would cease to exist by the day's end and back: by realizing that still I am here and still I must go on despite everything.

Despite the utter fear that next year I will be in the exact place I am now; struggling to grow up, to be what I must in what is known in the "adult" world.

"There" feeling rejected by those who do not take me at my full value or feel that I am here simply to suit their needs and nothing more.

"There" feeling despondent, feeling that I am a waste of space, feeling so twisted inside that the only way to relieve such pain was by carving lines to relieve and control the inner pain.

"There" feeling pulled apart by simultaneous pain and joy in the form of loss and happy knowledge that those whom I, my family, and friends had lost were no longer suffering.

"There" in the form of feeling that the world is better off without me because I am full of contradictions, willful actions, anger, trivial longings, I am lacking control. I often find myself struggling to remain objective and mature in the face of recurrent situations which I have no control over.

I suppose I have resisted the urge to admit what I feel because the majority of society views those who feel as if the world is better off without them as disgraceful and ungrateful; they are outcasts almost already given up upon.
They are often questioned "How dare you feel that way when someone else might feel more than you do in this moment?"

I believe that denying that you feel in that manner is worse than admitting it; denial destroys.

In the moments that I am there I find it hard to believe that things will change for the better.

In the face of loss there I find it hard to find joy in life to return back again..

Yet here I am; awake, (at an ungodly hour) alive, in possession of a job, and a bed...

I have been there, I still go there; but I come back again.

I will write.
I will work.
I will be.

This doesn't mean I don't need your support; I do. I would be a fool to say I did not.
I care; I care so deeply that I go there when I hurt.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I must say that I completely disagree; continual pain and no support breaks one down to the very bottom of their being and coming back from that is a most horrific struggle which one is bound to lose if they are alone. . . knowing the technology that is available to us, continual silence is even harder to bear.

I no longer feel that admitting I am despondent to the point of considering oblivion is embarrassing or weak or ungrateful.
 I think we all can understand being at that point; some more than others and some like me, visit that place more often than we wish to; we are broken and we rebuild over and over again because we must; we go there and we come back again.

And we desperately hope that we were not wrong to do so.

That political post in which I am entitled to free speech in accordance with Amendment I of the Constitution of the United States

DISCLAIMER:  I don't care for the Republican Party OR the Democrat Party. This note should not be seen as biased towards either party in any way. I am simply stating things without cherishing unequal dislike towards either of the major parties currently in power. That being said: I am merely stating my opinions, you may disagree and I respect that fully. I expect the same respect for my views. And I totally want to have the choice to get married or not made by myself not some law but that's not the issue here.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

This has been bothering me for awhile.
Ever since Obama gave his "My views are evolving" speech about how he supports gay marriage.

Sidenote: It also bothers me that I even have to call it that... it's not like we lable man/woman marriage as "straight marriage"

Anyways, back to the actual subject:

1. Right after Obama gave that whole "I support these people and their marrying" shpeel, he gave a little shaka da' bell donate to my campaign speech. 

You don't believe me? 
http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/14/politics/obama-gay-marriage/index.html : The article begins as follows:
"President Barack Obama touched on his recent announcement of support for same-sex marriage, saying at a New York City fundraising event Monday that he believes marriage equality "strengthens families." 

2. His announcement changes nothing.

Everyone is talking about how "historic" this moment is because we have a president who openly supports gay marriage. Excuse me but, however he feels about it personally won't get legislation passed. Also, are we forgetting former president Bill Clinton's attempt to get rid of the ban on gays serving in the military? I think that counts as some form of support.

Okay so he never actually said the words... my point is that Obama's words do not matter. That and I personally do not appreciate being turned into a money-making opportunity. (see below) 

3. I absolutely do NOT appreciate being used as a money raising issue.

So to all those pro-gay PACs and Interest Groups that are now financially supporting Obama's bid for re-election.... I'm upset that all it took for ya'll to stand behind Obama was those words. I'm upset that ya'll think this is going to change anything, especially since it takes forever for any sensitive social issue to gain ground in the legislature and get any sort of law passed which will MAJORLY support it. So it won't happen over night and it most probably will not happen if Obama gets re-elected.

Don't believe me? The economy is still the main issue.

4. When voting, voting on social issues come BEHIND voting on what my PolySci professor would call "Bread and butter issues."

The average american voter when voting will more often take into consideration and vote on issues having to do with their pocketbook BEFORE they take social issues into consideration. Which means that if they're a Republican who supports gay marriage and is also a fiscal conservative, they won't cross over on the ballot or re-register and vote for Democrats who support gay marriage. They will vote for the Republican candidate because that person will generally vote on or propose policies having to do with the economy in accordance to what that fiscally conservative voter would want.
Same for Democratic voters. 
In conclusion; voters will most likely focus more on economic issues in the upcoming election and vote along those lines; not social issues lines.

5. What about those who are not registered as Republican or Democrat?

According to Gallup Polls conducted most recently in 2010; those registered as Independant numbered at about 39% which is higher than those registered as Democrat (32%) and those registered as Republican (28%).***
This is totally irrelevant, they'll still vote according to economic issues.

Still don't believe me? Take a look for yourself:
http://www.pollingreport.com/prioriti.htm

Several polls conducted by several different sources rate the economy as the top most issue and other issues that may have to do with gay marriage/family values etc. as below 10%.

 So you say to me, "But I already knew that."

That's good, I'm happy you're politically informed. :) I like knowing that.
I suppose my whole point is that the announcement made by Obama:

1. Does not change anything
and
2. Was disrespectful in that it was used as a prologue to a "donate to my campaign" speech.

And that's why I am offended; because I got turned into a thing from which to make money off of.

But I apparently really did learn things in school this semester, that's always good.

***This data taken from Page 277 Chapter 8 of American Government and Politics Today: The Essentials --By: Barbara A. Bardes, Mack C. Shelley II,  & Steffen W. Schmidt 
 --2011-2012 Edition. © Wadsworth, Cengage Learning

Old Thoughts

I haven't been on here in awhile.

Hell, every time I think about trotting over and blogging something, the thought monster comes and steals the whole trail of words running through my mind before they can travel down to my fingers to come out.
Even worse?
I have started to feel that writing things out isn't worth anything anymore.
I must be wrong.
I have to be wrong.
I don't even know if anyone reads my blog...
Actually, the post viewer said that my last blog had five views; perhaps Google-the-future-skynet has robots reading all the blogs of the humans to learn how to have a little bit of personality.
Some days I feel like a conspiracy theorist; "they're all out to get me!"
That can't actually true because I finished this semester of school without failing any class. Not that I usually do.

I am happy after a fashion; I don't want anyone thinking that I am not.
However, there is a such thing (in my contradictory mind) as being happy and also, unhappy.
Probably that in itself is enough to drive someone to pull their hair out and burn it. (In a scent proof apparatus of course.)
So there you have it; one side of my mind is smiling inside of me half the day, the other is stressed and worrying about economy related things, for myself and for my family.

Another thing; I was reading through my old blog posts (hence my blog post title) and I noticed that my blogs were themed or had a point. They're written with a rather impressive (to me) descriptive type   wordage of which I no longer seem able to do. Apparently those blocks I talked about earlier were higher than I realized.

So this is what I wish;
I wish that these random babbling theme-less posts will break the wall down so that I can write like I did or better.

I believe I am now finished for today.